A pair of officers in the small town of Cedar Bluff were pushed to the absolute brink this week after a routine traffic stop turned into a masterclass in unfiltered entitlement.
It all started when a woman—identified only as “Marjorie, 42, Professional Complainer”—was pulled over for stopping her SUV diagonally across three parking spaces outside a smoothie shop. What should have been a quick, polite conversation somehow spiraled into a meltdown so spectacular that even the officers couldn’t keep it together.
“Do you know who I am?” she asked. No one did.
Officer Daniels, who initiated the stop, told reporters he approached the vehicle calmly. What greeted him was a woman wearing oversized sunglasses indoors, holding a tiny dog in a designer bag, and radiating pure chaos.
“When I explained she couldn’t take up three spots,” Daniels said, “she responded with:
‘Sweetie, I’m basically a local celebrity. People know me.’
But… nobody did.”
Her list of demands was unmatched
According to the bodycam transcript (which has since gone wildly viral), Marjorie demanded:
- A written apology for “disrupting her emotional aura”
- Permission to park “where her energy calls her to”
- A police escort into the smoothie shop so people would “respect the vibe”
At one point, she also tried to explain traffic laws to the officers using, for some reason, zodiac signs.
The officers tried to stay professional… but then they cracked
Officer Lopez, who had been quietly taking notes, reportedly had to turn away from the woman mid-rant because he was laughing too hard.
“I held it together until she said Mercury’s retrograde excused all parking laws,” he said. “At that point, I lost it. Fully gone.”
Daniels added, “I’m sorry, but when someone says, ‘Parking rules are suggestions for less evolved people,’ you can’t not laugh.”
The incident ended predictably
After nearly 20 minutes of dramatic sighs, gemstone talk, and the dog yapping on behalf of its owner, the officers issued a citation.
Marjorie responded by declaring:
“I will be manifesting this ticket away.”
The officers wished her luck.
Local residents? They are living for it
Clips of the encounter are now circulating online with comments like:
- “She speaks fluent Red Flag.”
- “Those officers deserve a raise AND a vacation.”
- “This is what happens when you put kombucha in a human body.”
