Residents of the quiet Vermont town of Maple Hollow are still trying to make sense of the utterly chaotic scene that unfolded Wednesday night, after a domestic disturbance call somehow escalated into what witnesses are already calling “the most Vermont thing to ever happen.”
According to the Maple Hollow Police Department, Captain Elias “Eli” Dorn, a 17-year veteran of the force and local legend for his moustache alone, was responding to a routine call on Pinecone Lane when the evening took a hard left turn.
Officers say the call involved a dispute between a couple arguing over—no joke—who accidentally microwaved the other’s sourdough starter. But before Capt. Dorn could even knock on the door, he was allegedly blindsided by a full-grown moose that had been “aggressively loitering” near the property.
“He flew like a snowflake in a blizzard”
Local resident Theresa Goldin, who witnessed the incident from her porch, described the moment with the kind of energy only someone in flannel pajamas can project.
“I heard shouting, then a thud, then I saw Captain Dorn go airborne,” she said. “Like… horizontal. I’ve never seen a man do that unless a trampoline or a strong opinion was involved.”
According to police, the moose—now unofficially nicknamed “Bruiser the Homewrecker”—charged seemingly out of nowhere, sending Capt. Dorn tumbling into a snowbank so dramatically that one officer reportedly yelled, “Man down, man down—also moose still here!”
Good news: he’s okay. Better news: he’s already joking about it.
Capt. Dorn was transported to Maple Hollow Medical Center with minor injuries and what staff described as “a heroic number of pine needles.” By Thursday morning, the captain was reportedly cracking jokes, telling nurses:
“I’ve survived tougher hits. My ex taught kindergarten.”
He’s expected to make a full recovery, though sources say he’s already been gifted three moose-repellent sprays and a neon vest reading “NOT A TREE.”
Meanwhile, the couple who placed the original call ended up reconciling
In what can only be described as the most Vermont plot twist imaginable, officers report that the domestic dispute fizzled out completely once the couple realized a police captain had been taken out by wildlife mid-argument.
“They felt guilty and also a little impressed,” an officer said. “Honestly, same.”
As for Bruiser the Moose?
Officials say he “calmly walked into the woods,” leaving behind a trail of hoofprints and chaos.
Residents are being urged to call authorities if the moose returns—or if he starts offering relationship advice.
